Day 19

I'll admit I've been rather quiet these past couple of weeks. Getting used to the drug, busy creating the next show, designing the show after that, and organizing a long-awaited togetherness break with Patrick (Dominican Republic - we were dreaming of Venice, but left it too late, and they hit high season when we're interested in going).

The drug: one of the side effects, especially when changing doses, is unusual tireness. I've never felt so low-energy, despite my improved mental state. Yes, this drug has effected my libido - much to my chagrin. However, my digestion has responded fine, I haven't lost my appetite, and I'm not losing weight. And I'm much more capable of dealing with my mental garbage than ever before, leaving me clear-headed to do my work. Now, if only I wasn't sleeping so much . . .

Things are moving along nicely for Moving Day. Though there are changes (to be expected with a new show) none have effected to overall vision of the show - just details and finessing, letting the peotic and magical quality of the writing and music come through.

Emily, the final show this year, is in a good place right now, but has budget restrictions which I have to deal with. A big show on a little budget? Definitely do-able, regardless of the challenge.
Real birch trees onstage, probably will upstage anything else I can do.

And the togetherness trip to Dominican - meaning "honeymoon", a word which is meaningless today (just received an email from "Restore Marriage Canada" yesterday, disturbing me to no end, since Patrick and I were married in September - don't they realize it's hear to stay?). Patrick and I finally have a week off together, something which will prove to be a rarity in the future, and we're taking the opportunity to get away, relax, enjoy ourselves and consummate our marriage (ha, ha). The official certificate just arrived in the mail. Very serious looking document, I'm told.

Mirthful moment today, as I picked up empty pill bottles from Shoppers Drug Mart: I was standing, waiting patiently as the kind woman behind the counter searched for lids to the bottles, when I glanced down at a patient information pad. The first item list read "patient is not on fire", forcing me to read it again. I thought, good god, what are they doing here if they are on fire?

It actually read "patient is not on file."
Laughter is good.

Day Nine

Started out a little edgy today - as though I drank too much coffee, but hadn't. I slept for twelve hours yesterday, starting around 6 p.m. Got up to eat something, went back to bed until getting up at seven this morning. Still sleepy, a side effect of the drug. Should wear off as my body gets used to the drug.

And cold - not only do we have heat issues up here (not only are we in Barrie, but the barn I work in NEVER gets warm, and the propane ran out at the beach-insert ironic comment here-house, leaving the baseboard heating to do all the work), but I can't take my scarf off. Slight whole body chill today. Appetite still good.

Mental situation very good. Managing to get things done (when awake), not being attacked with frustrating, false insecurities. Not as much "amused" with everything as before, but that's okay.

Libido did you say? Let me get back to you.

Did have a moment when I thought I forgot to take my pill - one of those "did I lock the front stove turn off the dog put the door out" thoughts - and let it go. Was pretty sure I had taken it.

Grey and windy.

It's all good.

Emily, a missing cell phone and day five

Had a design meeting for Emily yesterday, the final production here at Talk is Free Theatre. It's a big show, moves reasonably quickly and requires period costumes. Being directed by Richard Ouzounian and musical directed by Marek Norman (book & lyrics, music & orchestration respectively), at first I was a little intimidated, considering the resources available here and the place these two men hold in the Canadian theatre industry. Upon meeting them back in January, and this most recent meeting, I find both Richard and Marek charming, supportive men and quite willing to pare-down the show. I'm very interested to see the results of the production, since it will not likely be what everyone expects.

Left from Niagara this morning, later than I would have liked. Realized after driving for a half hour I had forgotten my cell phone. I usually place it on the passenger seat for quick pickup. I turned around and got back to the house, Patrick had already left for the gym and I searched around for the phone. I even called it, using Patrick's cell phone, to try to hear it ring. Nothing. I re-checked the car, in unusual places, and still came up empty. Decided I must have filed it deeper than ever, and drove away again (I'm sure the cats must think I'm crazy, walk around the house just looking at things). As I was driving through Queenston, I saw Patrick driving toward me. I pulled over and waited for him to pull behind me and got out. He was still in his bathrobe! He saw my phone, and raced off after me, trying to catch up. Said he got as far as Jordan before giving up. What determination and wonderfulness he is. I wish he drove a motorcycle, that would be a vision!

Day five of being on apo-paroxetine. I'm less sure of the real effects of the drug, vs. the imagined effects, the placebo effect (since I know I'm taking drugs, of course I feel better! - I'm not a hypocondriac, so I don't think that could be true, but perhaps just knowing I'm on the road . . .). I admitted to Michelle that everything was mildly amusing, as though I had a joke I wanted to tell. Perhaps just the beginnings of feeling better, re-learning to enjoy things. Don't take it for granted. I didn't even realize it was gone. Which might explain previous emotional experiences that didn't make sense.

Well, on we go. Spring is just around the corner.
XO

And now, the drugs.

Was I interested in getting your attention with the title? Well, perhaps, but I'm also trying to be truthful, open, honest. And unashamed. I'm on Apo-Paroxetine, as of Friday, to try to alleviate this depression/anxiety combo. There have been previous postings, where I discussed some reading I've been doing. And the books will continue. The drug is simply to FUNCTION, to get things done, and start fixing the mental garbage I've been carrying. I don't mind the baggage, I just wish the handles weren't all damaged, and every piece didn't have at least one broken wheel!

Basically, I'm trying to correct a lot of negative thinking patterns, confidence, etc., which have lead to feeling alone, empty, tired. Lack of interest in things which used to interest me, no interest in anything some days. But, on the scale of depression, this is mild, and I know it. I've experienced someone elses depression first hand, and mine is mild.

So, why the drug? After getting my blood work done, and everything came back totally normal and healthy (my first time, I was a blood-taking virgin - at 32! Very cool to see the colour and the amount that comes out of your body, and apparently I've got great veins for it), the doctor and I decided perhaps to try DRUGS. Such an negative connotation, being ON DRUGS. Like I need to BE DRUGGED. I'm only on 20 mg to start. And isn't everybody on something these days?

Like I said, the mental work is still primary. The drug is simply a respite, allowing clarity and energy, maybe to find some passion again (I'll readily admit, I've lost completely), find some interest in my work. Part of analyzing your life, simply listing things, you start seeing the good things, understanding that they are good. But the problem is BELIEVING these things are good, trusting the world, feeling judged . . . Even when you aren't being judged at all (or not nearly as harshly as you judge yourself). And I know my life is good, intellectually, rationally. Leave me a comment if you're interested in telling me about your life. But be genuine. I've been faking it for too long.

DRUGS. DRUGS. DRUGS.

Which will explain many upcoming postings. And the title, but not the address, is definitely going to change. I'm still thinking. Suggestions welcome, but I've already eliminated Designer on Drugs. Too temporary, since I hope to NOT be with the year. And many things may change. Designer on the Run?

Well, sketches to be completed for Monday.
I'll be fine. Just working some stuff out.
(And for those who REALLY know me, the actor and I are fabulous)

Love to all, be good to yourselves.

Moving Day - the next of the season at Talk is Free Theatre - is set on July 20, 1969, the night before the moon landing on July 21. Being a one-woman show, the world around her must lend itself to being both support AND character, supplying the audience with some understanding of place and psychology.

Sharon and her family are moving, again, to follow her husbands career - moving, something which has become an art for Sharon, among other creative pursuits. I've decided to surround her, create her house, with the moving boxes which contain all the family's possessions. Even the two man band will be initially hidden by boxes. And the boxes later become a city, little windows lit up, the Chrysler building, Empire State, apartments. Lots of fun. LOTS of boxes.

Just watched Patrick drive away, heading back to St. Jacobs. Hmm. What a transient life we lead. What a blessing the cats will be, filling the space with their own quiet energy. Something which feels so lovely to me, a warm, purring creature, willing to love and be loved, unintentionally distracting with simple needs.

Blog name-change soon.

Vagina Monologues 2006

Just returned home from The Vagina Monologues at the Fallsview Casino - a great show, despite interruptions from the security system announcing a possible fire. Cindy Williams, of Lavern and Shirley fame, and five other professional actors took the stage, performing to about 1,200 women - and a handful of men, Patrick and I included. Eve Ensler (and all the women who were interviewed) has given women a great, liberating gift. It is about time women's roles were expanded to include everything they are - beyond the traditional. Felt the design from last year was better - as PRB said if it broke . . .

Wonderful to spend some time at home. We've become cat-sitters to Maggie and Louis, a pair of long, smokey darlings, who are already helping to move the chi around.

I think I'm a RENT-head

Back when RENT was onstage in Toronto, a friend and I drove into T.O. to watch the show. We were a little late (parking, QEW) but got seated immediately. Even though I had missed the opening portion of the show, I was drawn in and loved every remaining minute. I didn't become enthralled enough to sit outside for hours on end waiting to see it again, but remember driving home in a euphoric state, knowing I had experienced a defining theatre moment.

I didn't avoid watching the movie last year, but missed it on my schedule and budget. Finally, after Patrick watch the film in St. Jacobs, I decided to rent the DVD, and sit back and enjoy it alone.

It was an amazing experience. I think I needed to see RENT right now, it confirmed so many things about being an artist, helping to understand part of the isolation and confusion, the emotional existence we lead. Not only is the film brightly crafted, and does incredible justice to the original, the medium allowed for a "filling in" of the missing pieces - the world, the history, the sensual existence of these people. Though it is definitely becoming a period piece, it still speaks to everyone equally.

Love today, live today.
Thank you Jonathon Larson

Photo shoot, Jann Arden and the Twilight Zone

Been at home, at Serenity, for almost two weeks, working, convalescing, but had to make an overnight trip to Barrie for two seminars. The first week was not particilarly productive, but I had a chance to entertain my parents, my grandmother and my sister, her husband and their three kids - all on the same night! I did a ham, something I'm quite good at, Mom brought chocolate mousse (awesome! as always), Sammy brought a great salad, and we did mashed potatoes and roasted beets and yams. A very earthy, homestyle dinner, warm and comforting. Lily and Max also had their first birthdays! I'm amazed at how dis-similar the twins have become - their personalities are strong already (no, not in our family?!). Had an opportunity to hang out with Pam as well, which was very healthy and enlightening.

Was at the library to pick up the Emily of New Moon series, and decided to check out the CD collection (NOTL library - not extensive), came across two Jann Arden CD's I've never heard, one with the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra, and a four CD collection of music from the Twilight Zone. Scott, you'll be interested to know I can't get enough of Jann, including her standup between songs. There are even certain songs which pull me away from what I'm doing, and especially now with my emotions all raw.
I had just watched Dial 'M' in St. Jacobs, and watch Vertigo on video. Imagine my surprize when music hinting at both starts piping through the stereo. Bernard Herrmann wrote for Alfred Hitchcock quite often, a genuinely gifted pairing. The music from the Twilight Zone covers four seasons, with a unusual collection of styles. If you get a chance, borrow it or buy it.

Three photos from the photo shoot - I had no idea the first would end up being so graphic, so Oedipus. The second was an accident, and the third is just saucy - being goofy, naked, being proud of my body. It's an interesting experience having the camera staring at you, forgetting the camera is staring at you. The use of the paint needs to be expanded, and needs to be in a large space - somewhere the paint can be thrown, spattered. This shoot was too controlled, too contained. Perhaps more to come. Patrick's photography website.

Must go, finishing a design today, stuff to do for the Vagina Monologues and back to Barrie for the weekend to tear down a set.

Be naked - we're born that way.