And now, the drugs.
Was I interested in getting your attention with the title? Well, perhaps, but I'm also trying to be truthful, open, honest. And unashamed. I'm on Apo-Paroxetine, as of Friday, to try to alleviate this depression/anxiety combo. There have been previous postings, where I discussed some reading I've been doing. And the books will continue. The drug is simply to FUNCTION, to get things done, and start fixing the mental garbage I've been carrying. I don't mind the baggage, I just wish the handles weren't all damaged, and every piece didn't have at least one broken wheel!
Basically, I'm trying to correct a lot of negative thinking patterns, confidence, etc., which have lead to feeling alone, empty, tired. Lack of interest in things which used to interest me, no interest in anything some days. But, on the scale of depression, this is mild, and I know it. I've experienced someone elses depression first hand, and mine is mild.
So, why the drug? After getting my blood work done, and everything came back totally normal and healthy (my first time, I was a blood-taking virgin - at 32! Very cool to see the colour and the amount that comes out of your body, and apparently I've got great veins for it), the doctor and I decided perhaps to try DRUGS. Such an negative connotation, being ON DRUGS. Like I need to BE DRUGGED. I'm only on 20 mg to start. And isn't everybody on something these days?
Like I said, the mental work is still primary. The drug is simply a respite, allowing clarity and energy, maybe to find some passion again (I'll readily admit, I've lost completely), find some interest in my work. Part of analyzing your life, simply listing things, you start seeing the good things, understanding that they are good. But the problem is BELIEVING these things are good, trusting the world, feeling judged . . . Even when you aren't being judged at all (or not nearly as harshly as you judge yourself). And I know my life is good, intellectually, rationally. Leave me a comment if you're interested in telling me about your life. But be genuine. I've been faking it for too long.
DRUGS. DRUGS. DRUGS.
Which will explain many upcoming postings. And the title, but not the address, is definitely going to change. I'm still thinking. Suggestions welcome, but I've already eliminated Designer on Drugs. Too temporary, since I hope to NOT be with the year. And many things may change. Designer on the Run?
Well, sketches to be completed for Monday.
I'll be fine. Just working some stuff out.
(And for those who REALLY know me, the actor and I are fabulous)
Love to all, be good to yourselves.
Basically, I'm trying to correct a lot of negative thinking patterns, confidence, etc., which have lead to feeling alone, empty, tired. Lack of interest in things which used to interest me, no interest in anything some days. But, on the scale of depression, this is mild, and I know it. I've experienced someone elses depression first hand, and mine is mild.
So, why the drug? After getting my blood work done, and everything came back totally normal and healthy (my first time, I was a blood-taking virgin - at 32! Very cool to see the colour and the amount that comes out of your body, and apparently I've got great veins for it), the doctor and I decided perhaps to try DRUGS. Such an negative connotation, being ON DRUGS. Like I need to BE DRUGGED. I'm only on 20 mg to start. And isn't everybody on something these days?
Like I said, the mental work is still primary. The drug is simply a respite, allowing clarity and energy, maybe to find some passion again (I'll readily admit, I've lost completely), find some interest in my work. Part of analyzing your life, simply listing things, you start seeing the good things, understanding that they are good. But the problem is BELIEVING these things are good, trusting the world, feeling judged . . . Even when you aren't being judged at all (or not nearly as harshly as you judge yourself). And I know my life is good, intellectually, rationally. Leave me a comment if you're interested in telling me about your life. But be genuine. I've been faking it for too long.
DRUGS. DRUGS. DRUGS.
Which will explain many upcoming postings. And the title, but not the address, is definitely going to change. I'm still thinking. Suggestions welcome, but I've already eliminated Designer on Drugs. Too temporary, since I hope to NOT be with the year. And many things may change. Designer on the Run?
Well, sketches to be completed for Monday.
I'll be fine. Just working some stuff out.
(And for those who REALLY know me, the actor and I are fabulous)
Love to all, be good to yourselves.
posted by Michael at 7:22 p.m.
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